IDENTITY TRANSFORMATION

PART 1

I was in an unfamiliar place, on a holiday with my partner and son when suddenly I didn’t feel right. My body was experiencing this strange feeling, somewhat surreal as if I was going to pass out. I found a space to lie down and then slowly I began to crumble. Every breath I took was my last breath. It was nothing like the first time when my heart stopped beating at the age of 16. I was in a calm deep and dark space only to awaken to find that I was surrounded by doctors and nurses. I was ill in hospital and to this day, I have no idea as to why my heart stopped beating. This was nothing like back then. This time I was fully aware, awake and there was no time left and with each breath, my eyes rolled back into my head as I felt myself leaving my body. My husband and son by my side and tears were flowing down my face as there was no time left and no words to say. There was so much that I wanted to say but I didn’t have time. In between each breath I would see a very short movie. They were Images and experiences I had locked into my memory bank. Some I’d clearly forgotten or maybe they didn’t even exist. These images flashed by some with voices just like a snippet of a movie. A memory/image would appear, and I’d hear a voice, “why didn’t you say that?” “Why didn’t you spend time doing this?” “Why weren’t you direct and authentic about the way you felt here?”  “Why did you let others control your life?” “Why didn’t you take that course you wanted to do?”

Whose voice was this? Was it mine? 

This was my experience and awareness of my second death. A doctor appeared by my side telling my partner that I was experiencing a fully blown panic attack. I didn’t even know what a panic attack was. I was sure it was something else. I wasn’t a stressed person. I didn’t think I was. I always coped and resolved every incident life threw at me and always kept my head above the water.

After being transported to hospital and having all my vitals checked the prognosis was confirmed. It was a major panic attack! Feeling defeated, weak, and shattered, the image I had of myself completely dissolved I was helpless. My identity has been ripped away from me. I’d been able to control every part of my life until then. This was something I couldn’t control. Catching a flight back home was a nightmare, dripping with sweat and pacing the airport terminal waiting for a boarding call and, frightened that it may happen again. We arrived safely back at home in Australia. Thinking that I’d be fine now is a big understatement. I thought I could pick up the pieces of my identity and carry on with my life the way it always was. That was until I went shopping the very next day………. to be continued.

Artwork by local artist Eva. www.Evacassiniart.com